So let me get half of my ideas out, cuz I don't have year to explain myself!

My first vent is about music... again! This is really kinda scary, because I havn't been on here in awhile, and I have a journal at home aswell. Well I came online today and read a comment, commenting on my vent about music... and then realized I wrote about it again just the other night. I totally forgot about writing about it ever! It's obviously a sore spot... and I'm seriously thinking about giving up music forever! Or maybe just listening to techno crap that dosn't make sense to anyone anyways.

Music sure has a way of setting your mood. I think it's the same idea with people you surrond yourself with. They always tell you (I'm not sure at this point who "They" are) to surround yourself with positive, happy people and they're mood will reflect on how you feel. Proof of this is times like when he and I just started dating and Carin and Chad broke up. I broke up with him. I'm not blaming Carin or saying I didn't have other reasons. I just believe that was a factor. Also... seeing all hte shit Tawnya and Jeremy were going through and then for days after... he and I faught. Why?

I'm happy, I have everything. What inside me chooses to seek out negative feelings? or situations? It can't be one single thing. But could it be the lack of one single thing? Because that makes even less sense! How... could I imagine myself any happier? I can't! I honestly feel I have it all. I really do! And theres still... something... I feel I can't... fill? Lights will guide you home.

If I lost it all. How miserable would I be? I get sick to my stomache just thinking about it. So what is it... that nags me? Almost looking for ways to ruin everything? Fix You.

Theres only one person in the whole entire world who... I want to answer all this. Which again makes no sense! They... can't understand. They... I have no idea.

I said my piece once before. It was acknowledged but not really... my audience provided no feedback. No clarity. No opinions. Nothing. Is that they're way of saying they have no idea what I'm talking about? Cuz... I think that would help. The thought... that I may not be the only one, I think, could be the only thing that keeps this thought alive.

Like I said, I wouldn't change a thing about my life. Honestly. No matter what. So... if... I'm not the only one... it dosn't and wouldn't change anything. I could even feel worse.

I should... I wonder how badly I'm needed. I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings. but... maybe if I'm such a pain in the ass maybe I wouldn't be missed. In which case... maybe I should... kill the whole idea, the whole memory. Every last one. Gone. Forever.

Would I be happy then? I was happy six months ago!

Maybe this isn't even an issue. Maybe being sad is just as much a feeling as being happy. You need to be happy. but maybe being sad is only human. Maybe you just need it. Just as much. To remind you what the difference is. I like that idea. Nothings wrong, I'm just being human. And because I have so much to be happy about the human part of me, the part you have no control over, finds whatever it can to convince me is worth being sad over! Same with anger! I can sit here and logically rationalize everything that makes me angry. but in the end, I'm still angry. It's uncontrollable. It's not really me who's angry, it's the little part in the back of my head telling me it's not normal, or human to be happy all the time. That makes sense dosn't it?

So nothings wrong. I'm not ungreatful. I don't want things to change.

There are some things I just can't forget. The eyes are the window to the soul right? I can still see it. Why can't I now? The things I have sustain me my body. They feed me. Keep me happy. The things I lack... feed my soul. I feel soul starved. Like... I could stare and that's it. Mind reading at it's best. Now? I could never do that. I can laugh, I can love, I can want to please, I can nurture. But I've never felt... understood. Please make no mistakes. I really am happy. Without the things that sustain me I would die. I'm sure of it. My soul may starve, but it won't kill me. Why can't it be enough? Have I tried? Maybe I've just assumed they're different. Understanding the skeletons, being a safety net. Time. Heartbreak. Lust. Can I change? Is it all in my head? Is it a fact of life? Is it a regret? Is it music? Would I fall off the plane if I jumped off the boat? I don't know. I never once had the oppertunity. Did I? No... I always jumped. Always.

That's my fist, blah....

Secondly, and this is just what I'm thinking now, about blood being thicker then water.

I feel... an enormous amount of guilt. I really do feel I want nothing to do with her anymore. I don't want to know her. I don't want her to know me. I don't want my kids to know her, or for her to know them. I want her to dissapear in the dark cloud that she hides in. And for this, I feel horrible!
Do you think I'm doing this, saying this, or thinking this, because I'm mad? or because I think your dumb? or because I think I'm better then you? Cuz it has nothing to do with any of that!! (none of which are true either more importantly)
I'm not saying what your feeling is wrong. or inaccurate. I'm saying you are handling the entire situation in the worst possible way, any human being could!
You gave him every reason in the world to hate you! And now that he does, or is trying to, you want to put him down, and alienate him from your life! and that's wrong!
Kicking him out was wrong, because you somewhat tricked him about it. You made it seem like it was temporary, when all along you knew you just wanted him out. So he wouldn't yell at you, or guilt you, or be watching over you.
Hanging around with someone constantly, when your by law, and by god, not really sposed to be doing that... is wrong!
Your slapping EVERYONE in the face, by saying your happiness is the ONLY thing that matters! It's the only thing that matters, at the cost of everyone else aswell!
Noone asked you to live a lie. Or work on something you didn't want. but you never tried.
You don't understand empathy. You never have. You get so hostile, thinking everyone is just being mean to poor little you, but you just don't get it. We feel! We feel how your feeling. We feel how he's feeling. We know how you felt before. We know how we felt at the... thing we will not speak of. And you made a mockery of the whole thing! You are saying... it dosn't matter what we thought, it dosn't matter what we want for you, it dosn't matter how wrong you are... you are 'happy' now, and it's such a black and white situation that nothing else matters! And that is wrong!
There will come a day I'm told... that you will realize what you've done. And I don't want that day to come. Because I don't want to have to look at you, and now feel sorry for how you must feel because I told you all along!
I'm not saying... your going to say you were wrong, about one perticular decision... I just mean in the whole general idea of it.
After you've pushed your family away. Or after that relationship flops aswell. Or once your older, and now noone really wants you and you can't understand what you could have done to deserve it.
You don't really know what real friends are!
I think you are a completley cold, self centered person, who never really cared about anyone but youself...
and I feel so bad for the people who raised you and are kept up at night worrying about you, and feeling bad for somehow misleading you on how to be a compasionate, decent human being.
I really don't know what's going to happen with you. but somehow... I doubt I will be around to see it.